A game based on the cheap, ludicrous, wonderful TV show of the same name, which follows Spartacus Bloodandsand as he slices people in half for being nasty to him or stealing his porridge or sleeping in his bed, which was just right or something. I may be confused. I’ve only seen the first two or three episodes and it’s hard to follow when you’re constantly distracted by huge amounts of CGI blood, Xena’s boobs and the main character getting a haircut that instantly makes him look (a) completely different and (b) exactly the same as all the other gladiators. (Except the poorly-dubbed chap with the curly hair who likes bread. And possibly circuses, but that might be coming up in another episode.)

Spartacus: Blood and Sand

Just like on the telly!

Anyway, the game is a one-on-one fighter, like Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat or Rise of the Robots or something. You pick a fighter – one man’s got a lion on his side, so I chose him – then jab buttons randomly to try and make blood fly out of your opponent.

There’s also a story mode, where you play Mr. Bloodandsand and have to fight your way through a series of opponents.

Excellently, when you finally win a fight you get a “FINISH HIM” – sorry, no – a “KILL HIM” prompt and you press a button and you chop the poor chap’s arms and head off and then slice his torso in half. It appears to be the same every time, but that’s okay.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand

Also just like on the telly! (It's a very cheap-looking show.)

It never feels quite right. It’s a bit clunky and just feels a little unresponsive. I think the developers were going for heavy and powerful and very nearly made it. That aside, it’s not too bad. It’s not Street Fighter IV, but for a free TV show tie-in game, I’m really rather impressed.

Except it’s not free any more and costs £1.79. That’s probably a reasonable price to pay if you’re a fan of the show wanting some merchandise, but it’s probably too much for a non-affiliated gamer to pay. As I say, though, I never review games, only offer impressions, which could change. Maybe the combat will click.

That’s if I play the game again. I’m not going to play any more of the story, in case of spoilers, but I might do some quick fights.