What was that match on Friday night? Who were England? Not a team, just eleven men who looked like they’d never met before. Except, no, not eleven men – nine men, whatever the hell Rooney is and the unquiet ghost of Emile Heskey.

And a bird on a goal making a mockery of the whole thing.

At least I had FIFA here so I could play the match myself and get a better result.

FIFA World Cup

Aaaaaah, much better.

In my version we won comfortably and Rooney scored with a gorgeous chip over the keeper that, had it been, you know, real, would have gone down as one of the best goals of the tournament.