So, yes, I blasted some chaps in the head with my shotgun a few times. Might seem blasphemous, but I’d been starting to think that this church had been deconsecrated some time ago. After killing one of the Gross Tentacle Men™ I found a key, which let me into the room on the second floor in which Ashley was being held.

After, er, introducing ourselves it was time to leave the church. I found a nice spot to get out the rifle and shoot back down into the main body of the church. I then jumped back down to the ground floor, caught Ashely when she jumped… and then got stuck behind her and couldn’t move. I tried shooting the advancing peasants, but managed to shoot Ashely in the head by mistake.

Mission failed.

Escort missions, eh?

So, I started again and this time managed to get us both out alive. Phew.

(You do realise you can click the labels at the bottom of each post to get all the posts for that label, right? So if you click “resident evil” you’ll get all my posts about Resident Evil games I’ve played since I started using labels on my posts.)

Things didn’t go to plan, though. It turns out that even a single day away from the game made me lose all my skills. I tried several times before I managed to complete the mission again. Which should have been frustrating, but it really wasn’t. Every attempt was great fun, even when – especially when – things went horribly wrong and I found myself surrounded.

And the yelp of satisfaction and relief I let out when I finally completed it was loud enough to be heard three villages over. So if you were in Cranbrook or Headcorn yesterday and you wondered what the noise was, that was me.

I also tried the sixth mission in the story, which is where Ashley comes into the story. Yep, it’s escort mission time! I haven’t completed it quite yet, but I’ve only made a couple of attempts. It’s a lot more compact than previous missions, so I’m going to have to upgrade my shotgun as my rifle is a bit useless up close.

Though not as tense as the next mission, Sniper’s Hand. It is, as the name implies, a sniper level. You start on a ledge with the rifle and fair amount of ammo. There’s a ladder leading down to the ground that you can kick over. Then it’s a question of picking off the bad guys as they approach. It seems easy at first, but before too long the enemies have got the ladder back up. That’s still okay, though, because you can shoot them and kick it back down. That doesn’t last long, though, and eventually you’ll be unable to get to the ladder as more and more enemies approach and climb up to your ledge. They keep going down, but then the rifle clicks… you’re out of ammunition. Sometimes the enemies drop ammo, but do you dare to try and reach it with enemies approaching? Even if you do, you’ll run out again before long, so you switch to the handgun and keep firing as the final seconds count down, hoping that the rescue helicopter will reach you before the villagers. It’s awesome stuff, it really is.

And I didn’t even mention that now and again enemies can come from behind you and mess up your careful sniping. I’ve played this level a few times and it’s never been less than heart-pounding, terrifying stuff. If I was better at sniping people it would be a lot easier, but also less exciting. I’m actually hoping I don’t get too good at it.

Oh, and it also earns you a huge amount of money, due to the number of enemies and the amount of head shots you get. I’m building up a lot cash, which I’ll use to upgrade my weapons when I go and do the next story level.

Although, thankfully, not on level four of the story. That’s a big boss fight. A gigantic boss fight, even. Hint, hint, yeah. I was too busy trying not to die to get a screen shot, but my concentration worked. Okay, so I did die once, but I beat the bugger the second time around. The rifle is an awesome weapon in this game.

I’ve not tried the fifth level yet, I’ve just been playing the new levels I’ve unlocked in Mercenaries mode. There’s one, Pincer Attack, that I’m finding quite hard. You’re just given a handgun and a shotgun – no rifle! – and there are enemies that come from multiple directions. I honestly can’t remember if I’ve completed it yet or not.

I got surprised once or twice – just enough to make it fun! – and had to heal myself at one point, but it wasn’t too hard.

Look, I got my first S rank. Pretty good, eh?

I have to say, I am really, really enjoying this. I can see all the faults, but it’s just excellent fun. I think you should be cautious before buying it, because the controls and tiny, tiny arena-style levels will put people off, but don’t dismiss it out of hand.

That screen shot is me, on the third level, about to die. I’d made a very good go of things, but that last enemy got me.

I’ve decided on a plan, though. I’m going to play the third level of Mercenaries mode through a few times and buy myself a rifle. It’s fun to use in Mercenaries mode and will be a great help in the story. In effect, then, I’m going to be grinding, like in an RPG. It doesn’t bother me, though, because whatever mode I play, I have fun. I’ve not got tired of any of the levels yet.

As I enjoyed the demo of Resident Evil: Degeneration, I decided to take the plunge. I’m glad I did. For the first minute or two I was all over the place, but the controls become surprisingly workable in a short space of time. There’s some nice functions based on double-tapping and, though clunky, it’s honestly not that bad.

Of course, you’re not getting the full Resident Evil 4 game on your iPhone. Only a fool would think that. (Or, indeed, someone who read Capcom’s somewhat misleading description on the App Store.) You get some small levels linked by bizarre little storybook pages that make no sense, even to someone who’s played through Resident Evil 4 a couple of times.

As you go through the story, you unlock levels in Mercenaries mode, which allows you to build up reserves of much-needed cash. I’m only level three of the story so far – I keep spending all my money on ammo then dying, forcing me to go back to Mercenaries mode to build up cash. I don’t mind, though. I’m throughly enjoying it every time – and I’ve even found myself shouting “No, no, get away!” as I fumble to reload my shotgun as the chainsaw man advances.

It’s a genuinely fun little game. No, really. I’m sure some people will hate it because of the controls, but then that’s the story of Resident Evil’s life. (For the record, I find the early Resident Evil games pretty unplayable, due to the controls and save system. I’m no rabid fan of the series.)

Anyway, whatever other people think, I’m glad I got it and I like playing it – so stuff ‘em.

But something strange happened. I started the game, rested my thumb lightly on the virtual d-pad (actually a virtual analogue stick, I think) and started trying to move. And succeeded. I wandered around the starting room I was in, found a ladder, dropped down into a another room, jumped through the window, shot some zombies, found a crank handle, opened an emergency shutter and found myself at the end of the demo.

I couldn’t believe it, honestly, so I tried the demo again. And again I managed to get through the whole (incredibly short) demo without bumping into walls or finding myself rooted to the spot.

No, the controls weren’t perfect. The 180-degree turn move worked one time in five, seemingly at random. Lining up head shots took more time than I’d like. But, hey, that’s Resident Evil for you!

I put the game away for a bit, then came back an hour or two later. It still worked. And then again, just before bed. Same again. Oh, yes, it’s clunky, of course it is – but the controls actually seem to work reasonably well. Who’d have thought that Resident Evil of all things would convince me that in certain circumstances virtual d-pads could work?

Will I be buying the full game for £3.99? I don’t think so. The controls are clunky, still, even if they’re far better than I thought they could be. I also worry that later enemies won’t be nearly so accommodating as I line up shots as the initial shuffling zombies. As a piece of technology I’m very, very impressed – I wouldn’t have played through the demo four times if I wasn’t – but as a game I’m not completely convinced.

The rest of the Internet seems to hate it, but that’s not unusual. The Internet hates everything.