Baa.

There, look, I got my sheep. I can stop playing now.

Or can I?

Stayed tuned to find out!

Come play with us, Owen, play forever...

And then when I finally did get in, the game kept telling me I was out of sync with the server and reseting everything I’d done.

I saw this screen several hundred times last night. Or maybe about five. One of those.

I did finally manage to fertilise some crops for Peavy, though, so that was good.

I made the crops sparkle! No, idiots, not like vampires. Piss off.

I’m going to get up level seven and buy this damn animal – it’s a matter of pride now – then I’m going to delete the sorry fucking thing and never touch it again.

Possibly.

Depends how my cupcake crops are coming along.

Yes, cupcakes.

GET OUT OF THERE CUPCAKES, YOU’RE NOT EVEN CROPS.

Except, in the creepy world of Farmville, they are. It’s all so wrong. I feel like Pinhead is standing behind me smiling every time I play the bloody thing.

One more crop of strawberries and your soul is mine.

On the other hand, though, it’s just a cute little game where you have a little farm and can decorate with nice things and make it look nice. If you replace stamina and game-time management with real-time management and take away all the interesting interaction with villagers, it’s not really that far removed from Harvest Moon. And you don’t have to spam your friends if you don’t want to. Sure, it asks all the time, but you can keep saying no.

It’s probably not really evil, you know, just deeply fucking cynical. But then, most games are.

Farmville.

The word that strikes fear into the heart of every gamer with a Facebook account.

Farmville.

The insidious, creeping evil that’s eaten the hearts and souls of the womenfolk and turned them all into ragged beggars, patrolling news feeds for eggs and bricks, working their very lives around their crop schedules.

So what was I doing playing it, especially as my wife broke her addiction a few months ago?

Curiosity. Plain, simple curiosity.

I mean, I wouldn’t get sucked into the stupid thing and then I could always stand aloft, safe in the knowledge that I was condemning something I’d tried. I would have faced the evil and lived to tell the tale and warn others.

My first plots.

Yeah… it hasn’t quite worked out like that.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given them real money yet. I’ve not posted a single message about it on Facebook. I’m not even sure if I’m going to carry on playing.

It’s just that, well, I’ve got some crops going and I’m level five and if I get to level seven I can buy a sheep and…

Oh dear.

Oh dear me.

I blame Peavy. I was all ready to give up and then she sent me a friend request and I accepted and sent her a gift and then she sent me one and then I went to fertilise her crops but I can’t seem to do that and I don’t know why.

My first neighbour.

I’ve even got some decorations on my farm. Three hay bales and hanging flowers.

My first decorations.

I even harvested some wheat on the web version of the game this morning. It seems a lot more complicated, though, with lots of buttons and an avatar and stuff. I think I’ll stick to iPhone version. After all, it means I can harvest my crops whenever I need to and not to be in front of a computer at certain times of day and…

…oh shit. Did I just say I was going to stick with the iPhone version? I did. I can see it there in black an white. Argh!

So, so, so what is the appeal? Why do millions play it? Why am I still playing it?

I’M STILL PLAYING BECAUSE I WANT A DAMN SHEEP.

AND A PIG.

AND IF I GET 50,000 COINS I CAN GET AN IPHONE EXCLUSIVE SNOW LEOPARD!

Help me someone, please…