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Chris Small writes
As always, there's not definite beginning, or ending, but it does feature the first of
Loren and my dispute over Babs (in story format, that is) and reveals our status as
GCPD. It's more bizarre, (and more creative, IMHO) then subsequent threads, and is
still my favorite.
(NOTE - This is a new
,slightly neater, version of the pilot. The original version of this story
can be found here.)
For Miss Gordon's Love
July 24, 1998
<...Loren wrote...>
: The point of fact is: I love Babs, (sorry Dick and Loren, ;-) )
Loren: WHAT?!? You *dare* to challenge my love for her?!? :)
Loren fumes. Mariachi band begins to play. :)
Dick: I think a duel's in order, Loren.
Loren: So be it! I'll let no man come between fair Miss Gordon and
myself!
Loren fetches his rapier.
Loren: Draw your sword, ruffian!
Chris grabs hold of a broad sword, and Loren gets momentarily
anxious.
Loren: This may be harder than I thought. No matter. Anything for the
lovely Barbara!
<...Chris wrote...>
Chris pauses to think.
Chris: Wait a minute Loren, do you think Babs would appreciate us
fighting over her like this?
He lowers his sword.
Chris: She's against violence you know...
He tosses the sword aside.
Chris: And isn't it a bit sexist to fight over a girl like this? I mean,
she's got more say in the matter than we do... Don't
we both want
to see her with Dick anyway?
Chris shakes his head.
Chris: Let's not fight over this... besides, what would 'The Batman'
think?
<...Loren wrote...>
Loren: Batman? Batman?!? Ha! That pillar of stone doesn't know what
love means!
A shadowy figure silently cascades down a nearby building.
Loren: He's so obtuse when it comes to emotion, you'd need electro-shock
treatment to get a reaction out of him!
The caped man walks toward the spouting man with the rapier.
Loren: Why, if he were here right now, I'd -
Batman: You'd what?
Loren jumps two stories, and after falling on his butt, picks himself
up off the ground, and nervously turns to meet the Caped Crusader's
steely gaze.
Loren: I...I'd...umm...uh...I'd, uh, like to shake his hand, and tell
him what a great costume he's got!
Chris tries to contain his laughter. Loren offers his hand to Batman,
but the Dark Knight ignores it, and glares with even greater magnitude.
Batman: I came here because I heard there was going to be a fight -
a duel, if I'm not mistaken.
Dick: Gee, Batman, they were just getting ready for that. Lucky you
dropped by.
Batman: Well, what are you two waiting for, then?
Chris looks dumbfounded, and can't believe Batman would condone this.
Loren: What's the matter, Chris? Are you...chicken?!? :)
<...Chris wrote...>
Chris looks at the man who appears to be Batman, unbelieving that he
wants the duel to go on...
Chris: Bu... but...
Loren: Yep, a chicken.
Dick: Sure looks like a chicken.
Huntress: I guess he's a chicken.
Spoiler: A chicken.
Jim Morrison: Are you a lucky little lady in the City of Light?
Or another lost angel? City of Night! City of Night!
Everyone looks at Jim, he looks around, realizes he doesn't belong
here, and disappears.
Catwoman: A chicken?
Amygdala: Chickens are good!
Joker: BWAHAHAHA! A CHICKEN!
Tim: Ahyup. Definitely a chicken.
Batman: ...
Chris can't believe this is happening, then it dawns upon him: it
must be a trick; Batman and the others need Loren and Chris to duel,
either for a distraction, or to fit into a carefully laid out plot to
catch a criminal.
Chris: Okay...
Chris picks up his sword and advances upon Loren.
<...Loren wrote...>
Loren realizes that Chris' broad sword will easily destroy him and
his rapier. He resorts to a more cunning approach, drops his sword, and
points behind Chris, toward a nearby cliff.
Loren: Holy geez! Babs, what're you doing here?!?
Chris: I'm not falling for that old trick, Loren.
Loren: Damn!!
Loren runs around in a circle, with Chris following behind, so that
they return to where they were, shortly before Loren started running.
Loren stops, then points to the same cliff.
Loren: Holy geez! Chris, look out behind you!
Chris: *Now* who's the ch-
But Loren was telling the truth. Suddenly, a red-and-black-dressed
figure falls out of the sky, with a big rubber chicken in her hands.
She proceeds to bop Chris over the head with it, as she gracefully lands
on solid ground (meaning, onto Chris).
Harley: Chicken? Glad I could come up with one for ya, Chris! Thanks
fer breakin' my fall.
Chris gets up, still dazed from the chicken.
Chris: Wha...Babs...that you?
Harley: Sorry, kid. It ain't Christmas yet.
Loren: Gee, Harley, I sure am glad to see you. Lookin' great, as always.
I owe ya one, girl!
Harley: Yeah. Remember that the next time my puddin' gets collared by
one o' your stupid cop friends.
Loren: You got it, Harl.
Jim Morrison: You know the day destroys the night, the night divides
the day...
Batman thinks to himself, "Hmm...I see where he's coming from."
Harley: Hey, Jim boy! Quit yappin' before I bop ya one!!
Chris fully regains his composure.
Chris: Okay, Loren. I see you don't want to have a duel. How about we
finish this like men, then?
Loren: You mean, like a fist fight?
Helena: *Now* we're getting somewhere!
Tim: I'll give 50 to 1 odds against Loren!
Dick: Hey, Tim, you can't even legally bet yet...I'll give 200 to 1!!
Stephanie: Oooh, me too! Chris is dreamy!
Tim: Hey! What about me?!?
Stephanie: Oops...umm...
Selina: Say, Batman...what do you say me and you -
Batman offers her a steely glare.
Selina: Ooookay...maybe not...
Amygdala: Chris smash!
Joker: Mig, you traitor! You've been reading too many Hulk comics!
Chris starts to roll up his sleeves.
Loren: But...umm...I don't want to break your nose, or anything...
Why don't we solve this another way?
Chris, figuring that Loren's too scared to fight him, plays along.
Chris: Alright...what did you have mind?
Harley: Oooo! I know! I know - a poker game! I'm dealin'!
Harley seemingly pulls a card dealer's visor out of thin air, and
puts it over her head. A playing table and chairs are luckily nearby.
Harley: Okay, gals and gents, pull up a chair! Puddin', can you lend
me some cards?
The Joker provides Miss Quinn with a number of business cards, upon
which is inscribed, "Mr. Ime A. Joker, Professional Mass Murderer,
Comedian, and All-Around Neat Guy. For belly-aching laughs or
gut-splitting knife fights, call 1-888-I-KILL-ME."
Harley: Oooo, that's why I love ya!
She then fishes around in the Joker's pocket for a set of playing
cards.
Harley: Everybody ready?
<...Chris wrote...>
Chris receives his cards, with a knowing nod to Loren. No one but
they notice tiny mirrors embedded onto the corners of the cards, which
they use to keep a careful eye on the criminals gathered about. In the
heat of the game, no one notices Batman slip into the shadows. Dick and
Helena take positions behind the Joker, and the Spoiler and Robin move
behind Amygdala. Jim slips Harley some sleeping pills (in revenge for
the rubber chicken threat), but doesn't notice Catwoman steal his guitar
and slip away...
There's a tense moment as both Loren and Chris pause at the
game. Then the drugs take effect, and Harley passes out.
Joker: WHAT?! What is going on here?
Realizing the carefully laid out plan to prove that the Joker drowned
a man in lime Jello (tm) is awash, Loren and Chris jump up revealing
their pistols. Chris turns, pointing his gun at Amygdala, and Loren
points his at the Joker.
Loren: Don't move!
Chris: GCPD!
Joker grins evilly, revealing a dead man's switch in his left hand.
Joker: Oh reeeaaallllly?
Joker lets it go, and a green gas begins to fill the air. Soon all
sight is lost in the green mist.
Chris: Where?
Loren: I can't see a thing!
Chris: Damn! We're gonna lose him!
Manaical laughter fills the air.
Joker: Gotcha!
BANG! shots ring out...
<...Loren wrote...>
The smoke starts to clear, revealing...
Stephanie: Aieeeee!! Oh no! Why?!? Why'd it have to be him?!?
Lying there, shot full of lead, was Jim Morrison. Stephanie started
sobbing intensely.
Jim: ...breakfast where the news is read, television children fed,
unborn living, living, dead, bullet strikes the helmet's head.
It's all over, baby, all over...
Stephanie: Noooo!!
The devastated Spoiler dashes over to the array of weapons (the rack
upon which Chris and Loren were originally supposed to have chosen their
dueling accoutrements), and picks up a morning star, running with it
toward the Joker.
Joker: Is this a Smurf wielding a large, painful object I see before me?
Amygdala: Spoiler, no!
Amygdala picks up the petite crime-fighter with one hand, isolating
her from the Joker, and throwing away the morning star. Soon after, a
tapping sound can be heard behind the towering figure. It's Robin, who's
trying to stop Amygdala with his bo staff. It's not working.
Robin: Let her go!
Amygdala: Quiet, runt!
Amygdala bats Robin away with his other arm, and the Boy Wonder falls
to the ground, unconscious.
Chris: Drop her!
Loren: You heard the man, Amygdala! Do it, now!!
The ogre just keeps squeezing the Spoiler to death, and with a nod
passed between the two cops, they open fire. Two bullets hit, then five.
Amygdala isn't affected by them. They keep firing, and finally, the giant
releases his grasp, and falls to the floor. Stephanie writhes in pain
alongside him.
Further off, Catwoman continues to run away with Jim's guitar. Batman
appears out of nowhere, and thrusts his cape out into the air, which
seems to grow to three times its normal length (KJ style), effectively
blocking Selina's path.
Selina: Oooo, I just *love* it when a man welcomes me with open arms!
Batman envelopes her in his cape, quickly shutting off her supply of
oxygen, and she faints in his grasp. He secures both the burglar, and the
guitar, and disappears again.
Meanwhile, the Joker squares off against Nightwing and the Huntress.
Joker: Didn't I already kill you once?
Dick: You screwed up big time. I'm gonna have to make sure they feed
you some of that lime Jello (tm) of yours, when you get
back to
Arkham.
An arrow shoots through the air, straight into the Joker's gun-holding
hand.
Joker: Aaaaaah!!
Helena: Nightwing, can't you just quit the talk sometimes? Shoot first,
you know?
Dick: Look, just forget about it, okay?
Helena: Why should I? Don't you see? You're becoming more like *him*!
"Don't worry, Joker, you're going back to
Arkham!" When're you
gonna realize that he deserves to die?
Dick: When are *you* gonna figure it out? That's not the way we're
supposed to do things, Huntress. If I'm becoming Batman,
then
you're turning into someone like the Joker!
Helena: How *dare* you!!
The Huntress prepares to fire one of her arrows at Nightwing, but she
gets bonked by a large fist to the head, fired from an otherwise normal
looking pistol.
Harley: Can it, sister!!
The sleeping pills wore off, and Harley was a little agitated.
Harley: The Wingman's kinda cute, so don't go messin' him up. That's
*my* job.
Without another word, she jumps on top of Nightwing, forcing him to
the ground.
Harley: Hey, baby, howzabout I introduce ya to a little gadget o' mine.
Puddin' calls him "Buzz", but I
prefer "Mista Chainsaw".
The harlequin amazingly produces a miniature chainsaw, about the size
of her arm, and starts it up. She then gets a grapple tossed around her,
and is pulled toward a dark, shadowy figure. Looking up at the Caped
Crusader, she whines...
Harley: <gulp>...help?!?
...and everything turns dark for her.
The Joker is left all alone, blocked on either side by two of
Gotham's finest boys in blue.
Chris: It's all over, Joker.
Joker: Awww, and we were just getting to know each other! If you wait
a few more seconds, a big friend of mine will be here
*real* soon.
He has a knack for pulverizing people, and he's
already taken down
ol' Bats once before. Can you stupid cops figure out
our mystery
player?
Loren looks over toward Chris.
Loren: You don't think he could mean...?
Chris: It's not possible...there's no *way*...
<...Chris wrote...>
A choppy wind fills the air. Loren and Chris turn in unison to the
figure that advances upon them.
Loren: Gasp!
Chris: Ohhhhh boy...
Joker: AH HAHAHAHAH! ahah he erm... uhm... bye bye now!
The Joker turns and runs away. Loren and Chris are left alone,
staring up at the colossal figure looming above them.
Loren: A giant bat? And here I was thinking it was going to be Bane...
Chris: It makes sense... who's Batman's worst enemy, what would he fear
more, than the symbol of what he's become? What we
see here is an
extension of Batman's psyche. It's taken him down...
Scared Bruce
as a child, and as far as Joker's concerned, it's
what drives
Batman to pulverize people... it all makes perfect
sense!
Loren: Chris, I think you're thinking too hard.
Chris: Oh, um... okay. It was beginning to sound like one of Edward's
riddles anyway...
Loren: Um... let's pay attention to the task at hand now, alright?
Chris: Oh yeah! The giant mystical bat that's supposed to kill us all!
They turn to the bat, which has been patiently waiting for them to
finish their conversation. Its musty breath exhales on them, a stench
filling the air. Loren empties several rounds into the advancing figure.
Chris: Since it's an element of Batman's mind, the only think that can
defeat it is Batman himself; our conventional weapons
will do no
good!
Loren: But where is he?
They turn and look around.
Batman, Nightwing, and the Huntress have disappeared. Catwoman
returns, carefully stalking onto the scene. Amygdala gets up, starts
crying, and scoops up Jim Morrison's body.
Amygdala: Poor Mr. Singing Man...you was funny. I'll take you home now.
Amygdala walks away with the Jim's corpse.
Chris: Given the current situation, I think there is only one thing we
can do.
Loren: And what would that be?
Chris: RUN!
Catwoman, Loren, and Chris bolt over to Tim, Steph, and Harley. Loren
scoops up Steph in her arms, Chris slings the still bound and unconscious
Harley over his shoulder, while Catwoman picks up Robin.
Selina: Hey, I think he's sorta cute, okay?
With that, they all dash away from the giant bat, which has
conveniently decided that now would be a good time to attack.
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