Here is a picture of me about to shoot a monster in the face.


I hate that guy. You shoot him with your shotgun and it just stuns him for a little while. You can never kill him. He’s always there, either just behind you or chewing you up and spitting out your bones. (And hat.) No matter how far you run, he’s there. If you can’t see him, you might catch glimpse of his stinking gaseous breath coming from just off screen. He’s terrifying, unstoppable and impossible avoid, until you reach the end of the level and are pulled to happy, shiny freedom.

And you know, that’s a bit like Jesus. Or Richard Dawkins. One of those guys.

I bet that monster couldn’t kill Richard Dawkins. I reckon if anyone tried to kill Richard Dawkins he would just state that their weapons were illogical and unscientific. Any bullets, knives, bombs or rabid bats would simply melt away as they approached his big smug face.

The man married a Time Lord, for pity’s sake, he’s obviously not a normal human.

And what’s the betting he borrows Romana’s TARDIS to go back in time and check his theories? That’s probably why he’s so sure of himself. Well, that or the overwhelming scientific evidence for evolution. One of the two.

I wonder if he’s met any Daleks? I had a Dalek when I was three. It was the morning of my mum and dad’s wedding, so my grandpa – who was the very nicest man to have ever lived, by the way – took me out to the toy shop and bought me a Dalek while everyone was busy with preparations. I was happily playing with it while the adults did wedding stuff when it suddenly broke. Stopped moving around on its wheels, stopped making noises. I was devasted and ran into the tent where the speeches were being made, screaming and crying like only a small child can. There are pictures from the wedding of my dad giving his speech while my uncle holds me, my face a scrunched up mess of grief. I kept the Dalek for a long time in the bottom of my toy box, even though I wanted to cry every time I saw it.

Now, though, my house is full of Daleks. An analogue clock Dalek hanging on the wall. A digital clock Dalek I found in a charity shop. Lots of toy Daleks of various sizes scattered about the house. So I guess I got the last laugh. Again, like Jesus. Or Richard Dawkins.

Note to Radio 4: am available for Thought for the Day any time you want.

You know what, though? I lied to you up above when I said I was about to shoot the monster in the face. Taking the screen shot took too long, so before I could hit the shotgun button, I was dead. That’s not like Jesus or Richard Dawkins. That’s just life.