360

Played this for hours at the weekend after it arrived as a rental from Lovefilm on Saturday morning. I’d guess that I played at least fifteen hours over Saturday and Sunday, quite possibly a lot more. I was thinking I might finish the game in that time, but I don’t seem to be anywhere near the end.

To try and organise my thoughts a little, I’ll go through the Achivements I got while playing. This will, therefore, be a spoiler-heavy post.

The Whippersnapper – A child Hero collected five gold pieces for a fateful purpose. This means I completed the introduction. Where there were choices, I made good ones. It looks like Bowerstone might have been a very different place if I’d made different choices.

The Show-off – You, or a friend, performed a perfect expression and impressed a villager. Heroes are such a posers. Where it says “or a friend” in these Achievements, it means me. I haven’t played any multiplayer. Anyway, this Achievement popped up when I was messing around with the Expression Wheel. Very confusing at first, it soon becomes an easy, if somewhat clumsy, way to make gestures.

The Archaeologist – You, or a friend, excavated a site discovered by the dog and found something. My dog Rufus found a digging spot. It turned out to be a rubber ball.

The Pooch Pamperer – You, or your friend, played fetch with the dog. That little fellow just loves to play. He loves to play with his ball. After running after it frantically as it rolled down a hill, only to see it disappear, I was relieved when it turns out that you don’t have to pick it back up. It’s just permanently in my inventory. Phew.

The Dog Trainer – Your dog, or another Hero’s, has one more trick in his repertoire. The first trick I taught Rufus was the Bunny Hop. I’m glad I remember that. I love Rufus. I’m worried that this’ll be the sort of game where the dog dies as part of the story. I will be very upset if that happens. (Which will, of course, be the point.) It was bad enough when my wife… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The New Hero – Thag the Impatient has been defeated. Albion has a new Hero. Another Achievement for story progress. I hit a bandit a few times, he fell over, I took his head, Achievement unlocked.

The Workhorse – There is nothing more fulfilling than doing one’s job well! I’m guessing this is for making some swords in Bowerstone Blacksmith. I think I’m a level five blacksmith now, which means I’ve pressed the A button on the controller many, many times. The jobs are all variations on the same thing. Press the A button at the right time and the job’s successful. It’s not very interesting, but it’s not as boring as it could be.

The Spouse – You, or a friend, got married! You don’t remember the wedding night? You were probably drunk. Walking into Oakfield, I was overcome by the serene pastoral beauty of the place, which might explain why I decided to marry the first woman I saw there. She was Rachel, a farmer. Loving, caring, good-natured, sweet… and married with two children. Her husband moaned and complained, but I wooed her away from him and soon we were married and living in her old house on the edge of Oakfield.

The Persuader – You, or a friend, convinced someone to hand over a present. My first present came from Rachel, shortly after we married. I wish I could remember what it was.

The Parent – You, or a friend, have contributed to the population of Albion. Soon we had a beautiful baby, Sue. I decided not to marry anyone else and stay with Rachel forever.

The Muse – The whole of Albion has heard the songs you’ve commissioned about yourself. Show-off. They’re not very good songs, but – hey! – they’re about me!

The Hero of Strength – You were there when the Hero of Strength was recruited. Another story Achievement. The Hero of Strength is called Hannah, or Hammer, and I like her a lot.

The Hero of Many Names – You, or a friend, changed titles. We still know who you really are. No one hides from us. I’ve been through a few names. I’m currently Lionheart, which is a bit dull, but does have appropriate levels of heroness.

The Bigamist – Marriage is so great, one might as well do it twice! Um, yes. I was fully intending to keep Rachel as my one and only wife. But I got a mission to break a woman’s heart. I couldn’t do that and the only other option was to marry her. So Alex became my second wife. We moved into a nice house next to the pub in Bowerstone and soon had a child, Sally. I juggled these two wives for a while, until tragedy struck. I got a bounty hunter mission to clear some killer beetles from a house in Oakfield. On getting there, I discovered that it was my house, that the beetles had killed my wife and that my child had been taken into care. A sad, sad day. I decided to rent out the house, as I couldn’t bear to live there any more. (Since then I’ve bought a couple of businesses, too, and now have a tidy little income coming in every five minutes.)

The Illustrated Hero – Tattoos are forever. Just like this achievement. My wife – real life wife, who was watching me play – said I should get a tattoo. So I did.

The Archmage – Five human enemies were killed with one magnificent spell. I cast a lightning spell and five bandits died. I guess they must have been very puny bandits, because that doesn’t normally happen.

The Paragon – You, or a friend, have taken morality to its utmost extreme. Neutral Heroes are so boring. I was in The Spire for ten years. Ten years! During this time I was ordered to kill the closest thing I had to a friend in that place. I refused. He was an empty, babbling shell, not the man I sailed across the ocean with all those years ago, but he was still my friend. It was at that point that became saintly enough to earn this Achievement.

The Hero of Will – You were there when the Hero of Will was recruited. Ten years it took. Ten years! Coming back, I found Albion to be a subtly different place. The Temple of Light was bigger, Westcliff was much improved and, most importantly, my little girl Sally was old enough to follow me around and ask for presents. It was good to see her all grown up, but I wonder where Sue is now. Since leaving The Spire I’ve been as good as I ever was. Well, apart from marrying a whore in Bloodstone. Kristen, her name is. We have a baby daughter called Andrea. I paid 2,000 gold to keep a blackmailer from telling Alex. She doesn’t need to know – though I surprised she didn’t find out when she popped up out of nowhere while I was looking for a new house for Kristen and me in Bloodstone. Anyway, at some point I need to walk up the hill to Reaver’s mansion to try and recruit the third Hero. But first I need a farmer’s hat, a strumpet’s skirt and a corset…